Speed Racer

So I saw Speed Racer. It's terrible. How bad is it? It's so bad that I am completely uninspired to come up with a great putdown. I have no interest in figuring out the best way to slam this atrocity. That's just about a first.

But that's also a great indicator of just how completely bored I was. I spent large chunks of the movie thinking, "These are the guys who made The Matrix?" Of course, I saw the two Matrix sequels, so I am aware of how badly the Wachowski brothers can fail. But this was much worse than even the third Matrix movie, whatever it was called.

The failure takes place on two levels, plot and basic concept. Is this a cartoon, or a live action movie? It's sort of both, but the result is that the laws of physics - gravity, etc. kind of apply, but kind of don't. So impossible things happen, but since you're not really sure whether or they're supposed to happen or not, the sense of wonder you feel when watching great special effects isn't there. Look, a car is driving straight up a cliff. OK, if that's a real car, that's a cool special effect. But if it's a cartoon, it's just a drawing, and just kind of a cool idea. And the live action is designed to look like a cartoon, with garish colors and over-the-top production design. So trying to willingly suspend disbelief is pretty much out the window, because it's not clear what you're supposed to disbelieve. So that's the problem with the basic concept.

And then there's the plot. I am going to describe the plot as a pastiche of cliches. That's a tired and trite criticism, but, you know what? Writing that sentence took up about all the energy that I want to spend thinking about the plot. There is some controversy revolving around a corporate takeover. I am thoroughly familiar with the concepts and language of mergers and acquisitions, and I had no idea what was going on. Tragically, I didn't care enough to even try to follow anything.

Since it has its origins in Japanese anime, there are martial arts sequences. Some of them, for a few seconds, are exciting to watch. But then the dialogue starts up, and once again, you're bored out of your mind. Even though there are some wonderful actors and actresses (John Goodman, Susan Sarandon, Emile Hirsch, Christina Ricci) delivering the lines.

The last straw, which takes this movie from merely stupid and worthless to almost complete and utter failure, is that they don't do much with the car. The Mach 5 has the kind of accessories that James Bond cars have - bulletproof bubble, blades coming out of the front, spiked wheels. But they don't add those things to the car until the movie is at least half over. But that's supposed to be the whole point of the movie! It's not just that it's a fast, gorgeous car. It's a fast, gorgeous car with ultracool gadgets. Speed Racer is supposed to used those gadgets as much as possible.

But he doesn't! I think he uses each of the gadgets once. Wrong. Failure. Reboot.

It is a gorgeous movie. The colors are incredible. I was going to try and come up with a comment that involved The Wizard of Oz and psychedelic drugs, but there's no point. I was looking forward to waxing nostalgic about my childhood, but, honestly, all I remember is that it felt kind of cool to watch these cartoons at a friend's house. Those memories are better than anything associated with this movie.

Game over. Sayonara.